It has absolutely been ages since I’ve written, but tonight I feel the need. Maybe it’s the music, having some time by myself to really think, coming out of the hell of rehabilitating from surgery, JA feeling a bit better, or something that I have no idea about.
I had dating profiles on two sites, POF and OK Cupid. Both were successful. I found quite a few nice men to talk to, text, date, hook up with (only one of those), and all that. It was interesting and fun.
I got a little annoyed with the system at POF, and moved over to OK Cupid. I went back and forth hiding and unhiding my profile on POF. Mostly left it hidden after I met a few people and saw that I was going to get MUCH more attention than I had thought! It was an amazing experience. I was already feeling better about myself, but seeing that so many nice and good looking men were interested, ranging in ages from 23 to 50! I did find it very interesting that about 90% of the men who messaged me were of different races than me. I guess my body shape is admired more by men who aren’t white? Who knows. Regardless, I found success!
When I broke my right hip on August 24, I was admitted to the hospital to wait a week for hip replacement surgery. The next day, I was in a holding area for patients waiting for a bed to open up. I was on really strong pain medication, but I was still in a lot of pain! Thankfully my phone worked in the hospital and has unlimited data! C messaged me on OK Cupid. I was bummed that I was stuck in the hospital. After looking at his profile, I decided to let him know that I was interested in talking with him, but I was in the hospital. I explained that it would be a long time before I was able to go out. We messaged back and forth a bunch while I was in the hospital and for the first week after I got home. One evening, he offered to come by, and I decided to agree! The rest is history, as it is said! He was very gentlemanly when he visited. But when he walked in the door, I felt a strong attraction. He came back a couple of days later, and ended up staying a few days. It was strange how things felt so right. I’ve had intuition type feelings many times before. It has usually been a very good idea to listen to my gut and go ahead with whatever it is. It’s strong enough that I confused it with premonition when I was younger. The feeling with C has just gotten stronger... It feels strange to feel like something was supposed to be.
We had only been together a month or so when he told me he loved me. I was extremely surprised. First, I wondered if I had heard wrong. After that, I wondered if it was the heat of passion. It scared me. A LOT. I had been wrestling with the knowledge I had come to myself. I loved him, too. It took me a bit, but I did tell him that I loved him, too.
Since we are both at least temporarily disabled, we have been spending pretty much all of our time together, minus a couple of trips for him and some appointments and visits with JA for me. He hasn’t moved in, but he has been pretty much living with me for around two months. He has taken such sweet care of me! Cooking, getting things for me, shopping, cleaning... JA apparently saw the same things in him that I did when he first met him, as well. It was immediately obvious that JA liked him a lot. My son who feels unsafe almost all of the time immediately looked at C and said everything is going to be okay, you will protect me! I was very surprised (and amazed), but had to hide it from both of them at the moment so JA wouldn’t notice. As I have been so worried and overwhelmed with JA’s mental health and my ex husband’s crap, he has been here and listened. He just holds me. It’s exactly what I need when I get upset. He is out of town this weekend, and it’s given me time to think. I miss him. Even sleeping without him here is weird. It’s not that I’m afraid or overly lonely (my company is pleasant enough for a bit). I have just gotten so used to being cuddled with him sleeping and, strangely enough, I miss his snoring! I had never been able to sleep with anyone in the vicinity who snored. LOL!!! Now it’s just too quiet!
The love I feel is much different than I have felt before. I feel equal... respected... appreciated... It’s hard to describe, but it’s a different feeling. Maybe it’s because I had such good therapy in treatment... Maybe it’s because I never questioned if he was interested like I always did when I was a young woman. Maybe it’s because I’m older and wiser... It could just be that this is the start to the next chapter of my life. 42 is a good age to start!
When my ex said he wanted a divorce, I was already very depressed. I became suicidal. My drinking got MUCH worse. It was to the point where I was losing days at a time. I vaguely remember waking up and looking at my computer to realize that I had lost a WEEK. I was in a blackout state for at least 7 days. And no, that didn’t make me stop or get help. I did try to get sober on my own, but I didn’t want to go back to rehab. I was drinking myself to death. I came to my senses in the ER several times. I was kicked out of bars because I got so drunk within a half hour. Because of my WLS, I absorb alcohol very quickly and at a higher blood alcohol content than someone who has a normal digestive system. I would order a double of something, and about twenty minutes later, I was ready for another. That was enough that I was wasted. I often blacked out and don’t remember how I got in my bed. The worst place I ever came to was in a subway station somewhere in Manhattan. I had gotten off at the wrong stop, sat on the bench, and passed out. I’m so glad that I went into treatment when I did! I have nearly three years sober now, and going strong!
You know, I had an opportunity come up. This is how I knew that I’m really, truly in love. Someone I had seen before, but who I told that he had to wait to see me until I was a lot stronger after surgery because he’s too rough... Anyway, he texted me. When I didn’t hesitate to send him along his way, I knew for certain that what I feel is real, not just lust or infatuation or whatever. I didn’t even feel tempted to put him off for a while to see if what I have works out. That ship has sailed for me, and I’m perfectly happy with that decision. I’m not looking. Sure, I’ll admit, it was fun looking! I (mostly) really enjoyed dating and meeting new men who were interested in me as I am, flaws, ill child, (recovering) alcoholism, and all. It served its purpose, and like many things, is now a part of the pages of my life, but moving forward and away from that with a new relationship that seems to be a very good one. At least it is so far!
My love comes back from visiting his two youngest children today. I’m sure it will be a sweet evening. I will certainly be letting him know that I missed him and that I appreciate him!
